~when i'm dealing with human i learn empathy, happiness and joy. when i'm dealing with animal i learn compassion, tolerance and forgiveness which is for me humanity. -farhanah noah

Tuesday, 13 April 2010


Firstly I begin by saying that I love you so so much; and that my heart alone beats to every single breath of yours. I will always love you I can’t change that; you will always be on my thoughts I can’t help that but you love someone else I can’t bear that. My love for you is undying when you told me your heart was with NN still; I literally died in that moment, my happiness was crushed, my world was broken and my heart was torn on top of that it was all through a message but destiny has always had its peculiar necessities.

In that moment my only thought was emptiness, the most valuable thing in my life something which to me was priceless was gone. My next thought of course was to reply but what could I say what could I do, we were talking about the heart here, the heart’s a force people cannot change nor can we question it all we can do is simply listen very closely to it and follow it. So what happened next I went against every string of hair, every muscle, every drop of blood in my body to type that message saying follow your heart MY, you don’t understand just how unbearable it was for me to write that message believe me you don’t understand; as I finished typing every word it was like being stabbed in the heart over and over again.

Why could I not stop you? Well because you mean too much to me to have you away from your love, your honesty it was gracious and I will love you more for that but it was in the end to late. My eyes could only see your face with a smile on it and I realised that it could never happen with me. I know it was extremely hard for you to tell it to me but in no way do you have to be sorry, you only told me what was in your heart no one can blame anyone for that. But of course i can never be the same person as I was before that’s because a part of me died and it was the only part that kept me going for this year with all the drama at home then our drama do you want to know which part it was, it was MY HOPE. The hope of being with you together, the hope of moving forward becoming successful becoming responsible, the hope to have a happy life but most of all my hope for you to love me back for the rest of my life.

In the end you should be aware that I’m sorry for everything that happened between us, well at least just the bad ones. Finally now you shouldn’t be confused with your heart and where it belongs believe me; if you still tell me otherwise you will hurt me much more than what I am already. At the end of the day it was your choice you made it, you expressed it and you will live with it whether it is good or bad. Bad luck for me because I want to stop loving you but I can’t, I just can’t no matter how hard I try. I love you that much that I will love you forever and nothing can or will change that NOTHING at all. Every day I sit down and think why i still love you, why I’m still crazy about you, why my thoughts begin with you and end with you, why that it is only you I see in my dreams, why when I see other girls your face just appears to me and if you must know I have felt like this not just from recently but from every day since your birthday party at your house and never since then has the way I felt ever changed not even for a split second. Why why why.

So why do I love you so much, I tried and tried to think why but I still didn’t know then finally instead of thinking I decided to feel, feel what’s in my body, feel what’s in my heart and feel what’s in my soul. I love you because you are beautiful both on your outside and inside and I still remember every time I would see you I couldn’t stop staring it’s like you were a magnet and my eyes were just stuck on you, your caring person even when you become angry you still cared and you gave off this warmth that still keeps me warm, you are the best listener you would sit there and listen to me go on and on and on and not say a single word but just a little squeeze of my hand and I knew in that moment nothing was more important to you than the words that were coming out of my mouth. Your humour, you would always see the lighter side of things and your laugh; it keeps echoing in my head to this day and continues to make me smile. Your kindness, always trying to help others you always were never selfish and would always think of others before yourself. Your ability to drink a lot, you machine you could keep up with me a lot longer than others that’s why those memories of us at the bar are burned right into me lol. Your Look, when I would be angry at you, no matter what it was over you wouldn’t say anything but just give me that look which meant you were deeply and meaningfully sorry and after that words didn’t matter because I had already forgotten what I was angry about. You liked me a long time ago before most of my relationships but because of my stupidity and lateness not just in going places but my actual life, by the time I saw all this; your heart was already somewhere else. I remember all our memories, every single one of them even if I say I don’t remember, believe me I do I remember, I remember every little thing from when you were a little school girl staying out late to when you became an woman. I was always searching for someone to have and hold on to but mostly importantly, who cares for me and i care for them before that birthday, I always have loved you but not as strongly as after that night. Before it I wanted to be with you but was more concerned about what others would think. I still remember when we all used to work, Thursday together and every time you would always and I mean always force money on to me because you saw my fuel was always empty, you cared you actually cared about me. And your birthday night, and yes I know you were drunk but you grabbed on to me and wouldn’t let go in front your friends and family and also NN and your were exact words were “f@#k everyone else I just want SS to stay, SS your going to stay right?” my mouth dropped after all that time you still cared I became sober that night at that very second and by the time I got home my exact words sitting in front of my house that night and I will swear by it to the grave was “I had a chance with the best girl ever and I f@#ked it up” what I meant by that was I could have started a relationship with you years back but I didn’t and because of that I lost you .

There is one thing but that I love the most and I will always miss the most about you. When you used to grab my hands, it always used to go quiet at this point then you look me in the eyes and straight into my soul, finally you would smile and just say ‘SS’. Your smile MY that is what I fell in love with that is what I loved about you the day I first met you that is what brought me closer to you, only if your smile wasn’t so incredible I probably wouldn’t have paid any attention to you and everything we have been through probably would never have happened but the truth is that I would give up everything right now right here just to be able to see your smile every single day of my life, that’s the very thing that brought me to you that was our connection.

So now you should understand better why I am absolutely indefinitely yours for the rest of my life but the bitter part is that you aren’t mine. But remember I will always be happy for you as long as you are happy, and this is love we are talking about the most important thing in the world nothing can even come close comparing to it, I am happy that you both love each other, you both care for each other but you two should respect and cherish each other and understand what you have may not be what you want, but it is what you two NEED. Just remember it took a guy like me to come along for you to realise this. I want you to also remember the time we spent together and cherish that as well because don’t forget I was never just the other guy or rebound or cover-up or whatever you may call it. I will tell you what I was and also could have been because I am, I am what hahaha, I am the guy who will never stop loving you, I am the guy who saw no one else in front of you, I am the guy who would have died for you, I am the guy who was willing to fight the rest of the world for you, I am the guy who wanted nothing more than your happiness, I am the guy who would have bought you anything in this world you desired because you deserved it, I am the guy who would have sacrificed anything and everything for you, I am the guy who would always say sorry and make up after an argument even when it was your fault, I am the guy who would have never let a tear roll down your cheek and if it did would have stopped the world just to wipe it away, I am the guy who never even contemplated cheating on you, I am the guy who would never let anything or anyone stop us from being together even my family, I am the guy who only would have touched you to bring you closer, I am the guy whose lips your name is on every second, I am the guy whose heart is truly broken , I am the guy who wanted just to be in your arms I am the guy who maybae not now not at least for a little while , but eventually you will and I mean will regret leaving, and you will regret it every second of every hour of every day I promise you that. And lastly with my last line I write to you I ask you, yes you my love, my life, my obsession, my passion, my sanity, my insanity, my heartbeat, my breath, my soul, my eternity, my idol, my happiness, my sadness, my thought, my memory, my death, my everything I was I am and will always be the guy who loved you that much and I mean that much that I could not stop you from leaving me.

Love you ever and ever,


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